A tired girl

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. My throat has been sore, and work has been hectic. I am exhausted. I want to be able to write more…. and I want to be able to write with better content.

I am going to head to bed tonight and start fresh tomorrow!

Thoughts and stuff

This past week, for me, has been a whirl wind of emotion. For a while now, I had been dreading our court date. Last Monday and Tuesday, all I could think about was running away. Not going. It isn’t that I had done anything wrong, I just always hate being in the same room with my ex-husband.

I have pondered why I feel that way. I lived with the man for 13 years. He was my friend. He was my attacker, he turned into my worst nightmare. I really think that sums up how I feel. He was a person that I trusted into my heart, my home and my life… he betrayed all those things. It is not that I think Jeff is a bad person….. I don’t. I know that somewhere inside him, is that boy that I once knew. The years were not kind to this man. Somewhere along the way, he developed and fostered a deep sense of anger. Anger at the world, anger at me… and this spawned a major paranoia and maybe even depression. This manifested itself in major amounts of anger and aggression. I hope that in our time apart, he has learned how to control this and is getting his life together.

When we went to court this week, one major cause of anxiety was that my 13 year old daughter was going to testify. She had decided that she didn’t want to have to see Jeff anymore, even for supervised visitation. Our attorney said that the best way to avoid that was to let her talk to the judge. I didn’t know how she would react to seeing him, or if she would even be brave enough to do it. As always, Kat was a picture of poise under pressure.

We did not bring this suit. Actually, I have not pressed the issue of him being $18,000. behind on child support. I was giving him time to get his life together. He sued me. He wanted to pay less child support. He didn’t mention that he hadn’t seen the kids in a 18 months. That fact hurt a little, I can’t say why.

I do want to explore that thought. I have struggled since Jeff almost killed me with the fact that one night ruined any chances he had at a “normal” relationship with the kids. That really bothered me. I know…. he is an abuser…. why should I care. Biology has always meant something to me. I always felt that a father should be with their kids. I stayed in a loveless marriage far too long because I believed that statement. I never believed for one second that Jeff would give up on his relationship with the kids. I felt like I would be forced for years to deal with him and his need to be a father…. even through supervised visits.

Back to now…..

When we got to court Wednesday, I got a surprise. My attorney, in an off the cuff gesture told his attorney that I would drop the back child support (and keep him out of jail) if he would agree to allow Eric (my husband) to adopt the children. Eric has become more of a father and role model to the kids in the last 2 years than Jeff was in 13. Through watching his bond with my children grow, I have learned that biology is a minor part of child rearing. Love, devotion and mutual respect means so much more. As I said, we didn’t expect Jeff to EVER agree to this… but it is what we have dreamed of.

His attorney went to present he offer to Jeff, and he came back within a few minutes and said that Jeff agreed.
I have never in my entire life been more shocked. I couldn’t believe that we were finally going to get to move forward as the family we have become. Our attorney drew up papers that day. Jeff has 10 days in which to change his mind (which means I will not publish this until after June 15).

After June 15, we will move forward with Eric’s adoption of the children. They sat down as a group of three and determined that they want to change their names to Beavers as a way to show honor to their new Father and our new family. Eric has been their Dad since the day we married, now he will have the opportunity to be their Father as well. I am so honored that this amazing guy….. my childhood friend, my teenage boyfriend… my soulmate wants to adopt these kids and help them grow into the adults that I know God wants them to be.

This last week has shown me all over again the strength, power and might of God. There were too many pieces of this puzzle for God to not be in charge of it.

Everything

Have you ever had everything you ever wanted, right in the palm of your hand? Have you ever wanted something so bad, but thought you would never get it…. then you do?

Limbo… that is where I live.

Remembering on Memorial Day Weekend

A busy life is what we have. A life with 3 kids still living at home and 2 full time jobs. We have band and baseball and cheer leading. We have grocery shopping, homework and laundry. Life has a way of tiring me out and making me tense.

These last 5 months since my Grandfather’s death have been especially hard for me. I am not sure why. I loved him, of course… but over the last few years he had turned into someone that I didn’t recognize. He has been gone for a long time. Why do the smallest things stress me out these days? I’m not sure. I may never be sure.

This weekend has been wonderful. Eric and I have done much more than watch movies, buy groceries and just be together. I have really needed this.

Tomorrow is a bonus day. We are off, all of us. I am looking forward to one more day of just resting. I hope that puts me back on track for my life. Lately, I have trouble finding joy in anything. I am not saying that I am not happy… I am. My life is better than it has ever been. I am so in love with my husband, there are no words to explain. I am heartsick. I miss my Grandfather. I know that as time continues to pass, I will feel better. I will heal. Part of me though, is afraid of this. I don’t want to heal, healing means that you forget. I don’t want to forget him.

I guess that with Memorial Day weekend, I am using that time to focus and find my center. I hope that I get there soon, because I am tired of the pain.

Bad News Bears

Jordan played baseball this year, something that he didn’t want to do last year. Baseball always had been something that he and Jeff had done together…. so I didn’t push it when he wanted to “stop” for a while. My brother decided to coach his son’s team this year and invited Jordan to be on his team. Jordan was excited.

You have to understand the difference in my son and Jamie’s son…. Blane is tall for his age while Jordan is very small for his age. Both of these “issues” can be difficult on a child. Jordan is self conscious to the point of being a hermit at times. Blane is expected to act older than he is … because he “looks the part”. So, while being 3 months apart in age…. at times they seem a world apart. Each of the boys are great athletes, and each love sports. Both of our boys are going to play allstars. Each of them bring their own unique talents with them.

Anyway, back to the team. We had several little boys that were very young and several that had never played before. What amazes me is how far they can come and how much they can learn in a season. The league is for 9 and 10 year olds. We even had a herd of older siblings who took turns having dugout duty. Our team, the boys and the parents really bonded during this season.

These boys were not the “pick of the litter”. When they got onto the baseball field that first night, everyone knew they bad…. I think even them.

My brother was not discouraged. He bragged on them. He nurtured them. He believed in them. We started our season and we had just enough kids to play, and then we lost one kid. We had one boy whose mother wouldn’t let him play after 7:30 pm. We ended up having to borrow players from other teams just about every game. Our kids were having fun, but I know that they were missing that feeling you get when you win. The coaches encouraged them… sometimes to the point that it was scary. When we lost (which we did often) it was bad… bad to the point where after one game one of the boys ran onto the field after the game and was EXCITED, someone asked why and he replied “because we only lost by 9!”

Every game when we finished, we had a team meeting, and the coaches gave out a game ball. The “bad stuff” was never talked about, but they focused on the good. They praised the effort… even when it turned out bad….. stuff like “man that was great the way you dove for the ball” (even though you landed three feet from it was never talked about).

Even with this “help”, we only won one game. That is actually the only game that I missed all season…. kind of figures doesn’t it.

Going into the last week this is where we stood. Our boys couldn’t hit ANYTHING. Jordan became the king of walking… he is very small and could shrink his strike zone down to nothing. The boys felt like they were going to lose before the game ever started.

This week, we had our last two games. Tuesday night when we got the field the boys seemed a little different somehow. I can’t put my finger on it. It was the first time in forever that we had enough kids of our own to play. They got out onto the field and they didn’t stink. They fought hard, and when the game ended…. WE WON!

You would have thought that we had won the World’s Series. Kids were jumping up and down, parents had tears in their eyes. It was amazing to watch these little guys celebrate. We won by 1 run.

When we got to the field Thursday night for our last game, we knew that it was a tough team and that we really didn’t have a chance. When they took the field, the little guys kind of strutted. They were walking out onto that field as winners. They were catching balls, and actually hitting the ball. In the end, we lost by 2 runs…. but it didn’t matter to these guys because they won one… on their own.

I’m gonna miss this team, the kids and the parents. What we lacked in talent and wins, these kids made up for in heart. Some will say that I am biased, because my brother was the coach…. but he did an amazing job. I have watched him through the years as he worked with kids…. and I have always been amazed.

I just want to say thank you, to all of you that give your time to work with kids. You really do make a huge difference.

Rainy Weekend!

It is another rainy weekend! On one front, Jordan’s baseball games were cancelled so we had a few extra hours to run our errands. On the other front….. having run our errands and bought our groceries, we are broke again. I also paid bills today.

Katheryn performed last night in her schools spring musical. They did Beauty and the Beast. She played a villager last night, and tonight she gets to be a napkin. You have to love a play where you have to buy two costumes for your kid to be on stage a combined 20 minutes. She is loving it, and that is what matters most.

Meagan spent the night with a friend last night, and she had a blast. It is the first time in a long time that she has even asked to go, she is more of a home-body than Eric. When I tease her about it, she just smiles and says something like “like father like daughter”.

I am always amazed at how close Eric is with the children. When you merge a family, like our…. you always wonder.

I better go get dressed to go back to the theatre and cheer on my napkin!

Introspection

I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately. Thinking over my life, and pondering where I have been. I ran into a friend this weekend, a friend that while once we were close I have not seen him since right after high school graduation. This friend was the boyfriend of a very close friend of mine, way back when.

So many things that I had forgotten came to the forefront talking with Robbie yesterday. I had forgotten that Robbie and Steve went with us on our senior trip. I had forgotten the bond that was formed on that trip. I had forgotten the friendship that Steve and I once shared. It is sad that when a marriage ends, the friendship that was once the foundation of that union also goes with it. I have wondered over the years, so many times what went wrong between he and I. I have speculated, and drawn so many “wrong” conclusions…. but the reality is I will never know. I do know now that what I thought was love and everlasting… just wasn’t. I used to think that failure came from within myself…. but now I know that it “just wasn’t”. I now have that bond…. that “special” bond with my husband. This has helped me to grow up and understand what marriage is about. It has helped me understand that I married that first times for all the wrong reasons. I had fairytale visions in my heart and soul. I wanted the dream. I didn’t understand at that moment in time what love and life was all about. Time has taught me that you can have the dream and the fairytale, but with that you have to put forth the effort. You have to be committed everyday to working so hard to make your marriage live up to its potential.

I have a friend who is dying. A young mother, a young woman with so much left undone. I have been thinking of my life, of the things I have yet to do, of things that I have left undone. The one thing that I have “out there”, the one thing that I would go back and “fix”, is apologizing to this great man that I married so long ago. Apologize to him for expecting so much and giving so little. Apologize for my part in starting something that we both knew wasn’t right. Apologize for loving him, but not in a way that would make a marriage flourish. I understand now, after so many years that he was my friend, he was as close as a brother. He was family. He and I were so young. Through that marriage, I did the one thing I never wanted to do…. I lost the brother that I had grown to depend on. Where once there was a family bond, there is now hate. I do not have any ill will toward him, but he hates me and all that is close to me.

Do not get me wrong, I would not go back and try to save that marriage. Knowing what I know now, I would go back and save the friendship. I would cherish the bond that we had, and save the lost brother. Through loving Eric, I have learned what it means to be a wife. I have learned how to sacrifice for the one you love. I have learned how to live my life in a manner that pleases my husband. Eric is my soulmate, my best friend and my husband. I value all aspects of this bond.

I guess the point of this rambling is to say that we never know in our lives when it will end. I have this urge, this compulsion to make the things right in this world that I have left unfinished. That brings me back around full circle to the only other regret I have in my life. We miss Zack. We wish that he would find his way back home, if only for a visit. His 19th birthday was last week. We celebrated, even if he wasn’t here.

Life

I have a friend that was diagnosed with cancer a while back. The prognosis is not good. She is in her mid 20’s which makes it even more sad. She has two young children, and is a single mom. She has very little family and very little support. This situation makes me very sad.

Over the weekend, she tried to take her own life. I don’t know how I feel about this. I am shocked. I am afraid. I am appalled. I feel compassion. I sat with her Saturday while she was recovering, and I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what to do. I have never been in this situation before.

I am asking for everyone to pray.

Too Busy to enjoy smelling the flowers let alone write

This weekend, Eric had a bad experience. He woke up Saturday morning in terrible pain and by Sunday he could barely move. We ended up at the hospital, where he had emergency surgery. Luckily, it was something painful…. not something serious.

I stayed home with him on Monday, and Jordan was also home sick. Tuesday I reluctantly returned to work, while Eric and Jordan stayed home again. Everyone is back where they are supposed to be today, thank Goodness!!

Jordan even missed baseball practice last night, that should tell you how bad he felt.

We have a tournament this weekend, and I have tons of homework to catch up on. Life is busy, and I love it.

I told Eric the other day, I wouldn’t trade our life together for anything in the world!!

Lazy, Rainy Day

We are having a lazy family day. Well, as usual Katheryn isn’t here… being the teenager that she is she spent the night with a friend last night. Eric, Meagan, Jordan and I are having a family day watching Heroes on Netflix. Sam, who is fresh from being neutered is laying on the couch sleeping between me and Jordan. Chloe, being the young puppy that she is is asleep in the corner. It is a wonderful, lazy day.

Katheryn’s band went to concert festival this week and received all superior ratings. We are so proud of her and all of her accomplishments.

I hope that everyone has a great weekend!!