Closing Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is almost over. We have had a great day. We slept late, spent some alone time together, cleaned up the house. We headed to my grandparents house for lunch (everyone vetoed the park because of the wind), and spent some time with out families. My grandfather divided up his tools between Jamie and Eric, he also gave them both a tool box. Neither of my guys (my husband or my brother) needed the tools, but to Grandad this was a right of passage. I passing of the goblet so to speak. He feels like his life is coming to a close, and he wanted to hand over some of his prize possessions to the next generation of Ellis men. He considers Eric to be an Ellis man, even though he will never have that last name. I am not sure that my husband understands the symbology of what happened today. It gave me goose bumps. My family is very sentimental and today, well today was pretty cool.

We left there and went back by my parents house where they continue to clean out and pack for their big move in a few weeks. My dad feels good about the move, because then my ex will not know where they are and be able to find them. They are moving to a gated community, and this helps them to feel safe. I am glad they have found a place that helps them attain this feeling.

Eric and I live in the same house that I have always lived in. Somedays I really wish that we could move.. just pick up and go somewhere where Jeff could never find us. I long for the day when we will be rid of him forever.

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day!! Tomorrow is that day where all mother’s get to be honored. We are taking a picnic and spending the day with our families. Eric’s mom is coming, as well as my parents, grandparents and my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. If it isn’t raining we will have it outside, if the weather is bad we will have our picnic inside. It should be a fun day.

Today, Eric took me shopping and bought me a great bag to carry my laptop and other essentials in. It is red leather, and is made by Franklin Covey. I love it. Eric said that when he first saw it, it just said “Julie” to him. He is right.

We then went to Walmart and looked at televisions. We have been using Eric’s TV in the den for the last year.. and it is OK. The TV in Meg’s room broke this week and we were going to try and replace it with something similar. Today, for mother’s day Eric decided to buy us a 37” flat screen, high definition TV. It is amazing. We are watching The Matrix with Jordan. The girls are spending the night with my parents, so we are having a special night with the little guy.

We went to eat supper at Cici’s pizza (yuck, but it was Jordan’s choice), bought my bag, bought groceries, bought and set up the TV and now we are watching it.

Overall it has been a wonderfully busy day. I worked this morning as usual. Eric took the kids to their track meet. Neither of them placed, but they sure did try hard and have a great time.

Katheryn has started blogging

Katheryn has started a blog, and I thought that some of you guys might like to read what this beautiful, talented…angry little girl has to say. She has so much anger inside her, I just feel like blogging may help her work through some of her anger. Leave her comments, encourage her… she has been angry for a long time. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she starts her journey toward healing.

She is a great kid, but she has been through a lot!!

I have put a link to her blog on my site, but here is the address:

http://kitkat015.wordpress.com

Heading toward the weekend….

It is Friday night, and I am tired and snotty. Work was great. We were slammed and I love being busy. Being busy makes the day go by faster. I walked over to KFC during lunch and spent the last of my “eating out at lunch” money for this pay period. It was a beautiful day.

I left work and went to Rugged Warehouse and bought a pair of shoes. They were my mother’s day gift to myself. I love them. I came home and Eric had cooked cow for me. I am a steak eater by nature and have been wanting some cow for a few days! YUMMY, his are always the best.

We are done with dinner and “chillin” now. I am blogging, Katheryn is blogging, Eric is reading his news. Meg and Jo are in kid heaven, they are outside playing with friends. I am glad that they are finally secure enough outside and in life to go out and play like normal kids. I think that as long as Jeff stays away from them, they will continue on this pattern. They have a track meet tomorrow, I have to work. Eric and Kat, Mom and Dad will all be on hand to cheer them on. In the afternoon, we get to help move more boxes to my parent’s storage building. I can’t wait.

I got my schedule for next week today, and I like the looks of it. I work Monday, off Tuesday, work Wednesday, off Thursday (stone mountain field trip with Jordan) work Friday and Saturday. I can handle that kind of week.

I am going to go now and round up the varmints and get them hosed down and clean enough for bed. Eric and I have a couple more movies to watch this weekend, so I am all about getting the kids down so that we can have some grown up time.

It’s Friday…again?

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Good morning and happy Friday. I have wonderful news to report. Eric enjoyed the movie. You have to understand, usually he tolerates what I pick out… I try to pick things that we can all watch together, and that usually isn’t his choice. Don’t worry though, he gets to watch plenty he likes too. Last night we watched, P.S. I love you. Eric had promised me that no matter what I picked out, he would watch it with me. Not sit and read his news on the computer, but really watch it. My friend Rachel’s daughter had watched this a few nights ago and loved it. That was good enough for me, so when it was at the video store… I grabbed it.

Eric says that it helps that it had crude jokes and drinking music, but he enjoyed it. I want to say again, thanks Brooke! I will forever trust your judgement is movies. If you have not seen this movie…… you really should.

It is Friday, again. I can’t believe how fast this year is moving. The kids have field day today, and Meagan was in a great mood. Jordan was not so excited. He is so little, he just can’t compete with the kids his age that are so much bigger. Katheryn is going to a staff baseball game today, I think that this time of year the teachers are looking for any excuse not to teach and the kids are willing to watch whatever to get out of class.

My parents are continuing their move this weekend and Eric and I get to help. We are also going to have to mow our grass before it reaches jungle status!! On the plate for this weekend is also Mother’s day. Happy Mother’s day to all you moms out there!! I am kind of glad that they take one day out of the year and celebrate all that moms do. At least one time a year, the kids say thank you!!

Anyway, have a wonderful and amazing day!!<a

A new shade of pink…

Life is wonderful and amazing. I am online chatting with one of my teachers from high school. Over the years he was my teacher, my brother’s teacher, my cousin Andy’s teacher and he is still at LFO with Zack. I hear that he is transferring to Heritage which is where our children will go. If so, I am so excited… they need good teachers to get a new school off the ground.

Today at work was uneventful. I am glad. We were slow. I like slow somedays. I took an hour for lunch instead of 30 minutes and went to read in the park. Life is fun.

I was texting with my friend Rachel today, and said something off color about my husband (go figure, it had to do with sex)… and immediately my cell phone rang. It was Rachel laughing, telling me that her son had been the one responding to me. OMG!! OK, now I have never met him.. and he is 18… I was so embarrassed!! I think that I actually invented a new color of pink I got so embarrassed!

I learned a lesson… don’t text about sex if I am not sure who is responding!!

Oh well, that is my funny for the day. Now everyone knows that I bribe Eric into watching sappy movies by promising amazing sex!!

I texted back later to tell her that Eric had agreed to watch the movie with me (I need to thank Brooke for the heads up on a good movie choice!), she responded that her son said “he guesses so”.

Enjoy a good giggle at my humiliation!!

Forgiveness and Friendship

I try to honor the requests of those that I care about, so I am going to post a picture of the dress that I made for Katheryn. I know…. I am just too good to you people.

I didn’t sleep wonderfully last night, I kept having dreams. Eric woke me up in the middle of the night (turns out it was 6a.m.) because he had to go to the store and buy milk for breakfast. I am not sure why we didn’t check our milk supply last night (we usually do), but I had to get up 45 minutes earlier than my poor little body thought it should. Oh well, it has given me a little extra time this morning to check on bills, hang out with the kids and harass my husband (one of my favorite activities).

I have a confession to make. I emailed Eric’s ex-wife the other day. It was an attempt at peace. I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me, but we have people in common that we care about. I just felt like it was time to clear the air. We are all wonderful people, and we are all adults who should be able to work through our issues. She is having a hard time right now, and I just felt this need to reach out to her. I can’t explain my need to do this, but it is something that I had to do. Eric and I talked about it, and I let him read the email that I sent. He agreed with everything in it, so I sent it. I feel better for having done it.

In our lives we love and care for very few. Those few sometimes turn out to be big hurts in our lives. I have forgiven Jeff for all that he did to us. He will never be part of our lives again. I know this. He knows this. Everyone knows this. Eric loved her with all his heart. He looks back fondly on their life together. He has forgiven her for the way things ended with them. He is not to the place yet where he wants to be her buddy and hang out… but forgiveness has come. He hasn’t told her, I am not sure why. I think he is afraid that it would taken as a free pass back into the land of friendship. His forgiveness is not that.

They share the love of a son. To me this is reason enough for the forgiveness. In life we have to make choices for our children, because we love them. This son, Zack is one very loved guy. He is very special to all of us. I know that he is having a hard time with all that is going on with his adults. I hate this for him with all my heart. I hope that over time we can all get it together enough to be the parents that he deserves us to be.

Just sitting here thinking…

This is a picture of Katheryn at her band banquet. Alot of you guys that read my blog never get to see my beautiful children. I thought that I would share this rare picture with you!! This is my gift to you.

I am sitting here in my bed trying to figure out what to blog about. I have a need to share my thoughts, but do not know which way to head with them. I read an email today that both hurt my feelings and made me think. I love my family, all of them. I love the ones that live in our house and I love the ones that have chosen to live elsewhere. I can’t make these people love or even like me. I have to be true to myself, and let others choose for themselves.

The end of the school year is fast approaching, and the kids are getting anxious. Jordan told me today that he doesn’t want to go to any camps this summer, he want to be with his family. He particularly wants to spend time with Zack. I find this idea wonderful. I hope that the two of them find time together to do lots of stuff. Zack has been staying with his mother and his step-mother off and on since January and Jordan asked me if he could spend the night with Zack at both places. I hope that the big guy invites the little guy to do this. Brothers should always find the time to stay close, even when living with different parents.

A reluctant mommy!

I was a resistant mommy. When I found out that I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, I thought my life was over. I was 21 years old, still in college…. I didn’t want to be a mom. I had no job, no education, no future. I did have the father handy and an apartment. I didn’t love the father, but when weighing my options, staying with him seemed the only route that I could take.

We moved from Alabama back home to Georgia, simply so that I was closer to my parents. I knew that they loved me and would love this baby.. and I needed all the help that I could get. I knew that I would love her… I knew that I didn’t have a clue what I was getting into.

I had a plan. Stay in college… graduate… get a job. I did those things. I went to school up until about 3 weeks before she was born and I started back about three after she was born. Yes, I even went to summer school that summer… only taking off one session for child birth. I was very determined not to be a statistic… got pregnant/quit school/no future/trapped.

I had a great job, I started making plans. My plans were to work for about a year in my current position and then leave my husband. I know… that sounds so terrible but if you knew him… you would understand. I had enough saved for a small apartment and deposits… but found out that I was pregnant. This put a huge, huge hole in my plan. I knew that I could handle my toddler and be alone. My grandparents and parents helped watch her and would continue to. With a new baby, I just didn’t think that I could do it. Now instead of one childcare expense there would be two. Even if I could afford the food and have the stamina to handle two children alone… I just knew that I couldn’t do it. So, I used my money I had saved to buy baby stuff and settled in. I also had my tubes tied so that I wouldn’t “accidently” get pregnant again… I was done with babies.

About the time the baby was born, my first husband stopped paying for the house we had owned together and I found an opportunity to catch up the mortgage and move home. I did this with two children, and and unwanted husband in tow. I became bitter. I felt trapped. I referred to this second child as a “lump” because all babies do is lie there. I didn’t see any value in being a mom. Do not get me wrong, I loved them… I just felt used up and alone. Jeff used every opportunity to tell me that if I ever left him.. no one would want me. He knew that I was unhappy, and I believe that he knew in his heart that I wanted out. He began ridiculing me and basically took advantage of my depression to control me. I didn’t even notice when all our friends disappeared, later I found out that they could not stand what he was doing to me.

I met a friend at work, who started trying to reach out to me. He convinced me that I was strong and I could do it. He started telling me that someday I would meet someone who could love a woman with two small children. I started to find myself. When this happened, Jeff felt threatened. This is the first time that he ever hit me. It was small things at first and always in places where people couldn’t see. I would wear long sleeves shirts to hide the bruises, or many times they would be on my torso so that they couldn’t be seen. He started doing other things, he would get mad in the car and aim for trees or phone poles. I should have seen the signs then that he had mental issues… but I was too busy raising two babies, working full time, and trying to hide the pain. I decided then that I owned my home, I had a good job and I had a very supportive family. I talked to my father (not about leaving Jeff) about my career plans and he helped me find the contacts that I needed to get and better job. I took a job that more than doubled my current salary. I took it and started making plans again to rid my life of my husband.

Life is too strange sometimes.. just when I was ready to tell him that I wanted him to leave… I got sick. I am talking the kind of sick where I thought that I was dying (literally). I went to my doctor, and we found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked. Apparently (I worked for a chemical company, with a warehouse attached), the fumes from the warehouse combined with being pregnant was making me very ill. I had to make a choice… keep the great job (that I did enjoy) and risk my health and that of this child… or quit having no job at all being pregnant with no hopes of anyone hiring you until after the child was born. I love my children, so I quit my job. During this pregnancy , I got very depressed. Jeff had run off all our friends, I now had no co-workers, and I didn’t want to burden my family with how I was feeling. Jeff used this opportunity to his advantage. Meg was just starting to have her “issues”, and Jeff constantly told me now that if I left him… I would die alone. He had convinced me also if I left he would take my children. He said that no court in America would give them to me over him. He told me that I was pathetic and that I would die alone. He said that even my family would turn against me. I was depressed, I should have gone to a doctor to seek treatment… but I didn’t realize what was happening. I sat at home the entire pregnancy taking care of my girls and feeling sorry for myself. Feeling/knowing that I had done this to myself.

When my son was born, I didn’t really have time to adapt to this new development before my parents had a terrible accident, and I was told they were going to die. I was told that there was nothing the doctors could do. They would do surgery, they would make them comfortable… they would try. Probably though, an infection would set in … and neither would make it. I was told that even if by some miracle they lived, they would never walk again. I just couldn’t let myself believe that. Here I was 26 years, I had a 31/2 year old… and 18 month old… and a newborn… I had no job…. my parents were going to die… I had a husband to enjoyed hurting me. I didn’t know what to do. My parent’s needed me to take care of them and help anyway I could… and Jeff would only allow this if I put my house into both of our names. I did it. I did it so that I could take care of my parents. There was no questions. I had to do what I could. Now, he had a further hold on me. The new threat became.. do what I want or I will throw you out of your house and keep your children… then you will have nothing… and you will be nothing.. and no one will want you. I believed him, so I stayed and I behaved.

Those of you who know me, know that I am spunky and fun and silly… those are the things he took away.

I was convinced that I could not raise these kids without him. He made one terrible mistake. He forced us to move to Pennsylvania. I wouldn’t go mid school year, so he agreed to go ahead and let the kids finish their school year. By this time also I was working for a non-profit thats schedule was based on the school year, and I needed to complete my obligations. Something crazy happened while he gone. I enjoyed being a mom. I found out that I am pretty good at it. The stress of life seemed to go away, and I wasn’t sad and depressed all the time anymore. I thought that I was excited about the move, so I continued with my plans… but instead of selling my house… I rented it to friends (just in case someday we wanted to move home).

When I got to PA, I found out quickly that Jeff had been my problem all along. Being back with him he expected me to be the person he had left. Needy and dependent. To shorten this story, things didn’t work out and I moved back home. Jeff got into therapy and started taking medication for his anger. He missed his children terribly, and begged me to let him come back home and try again. Life out there, in the single world was not all that I dreamed it to be… so I let him.

If you read my blog, you know what happened… it ended badly. What I learned through all that is this… medication can help some people control these instincts to hurt. What happens on this day when they forget their meds… what happens when you are lulled into complacency and then the big bad wolf comes home? What happens when that is unleashed upon your child.

I went from being a reluctant mommy… to a mommy you better not mess with. It took me 12 years to get there. It took a lot of pain… but I have a lot of pride. I have great kids, not because of their father… but in spite of him. My kids have a great daddy, not because of biology… but because of choice. Eric chose us. He came to visit us as our friend. He looked into our eyes and into our hearts.. and he feel in love. He chose to stay. The day he married me, he didn’t just become my husband… he became their daddy. We all know it and we all feel it. We are a family, and for that I am blessed.

Rest Day!!

I am off today, and I hope to use the time to catch up on a few things that I have been letting slide. My blog is one of them. I have been so tired and so busy lately that I just haven’t had the time, energy or heart to sit down and write. This week is a lot less busy than last week, so I am hoping that we can all slow down a little and rest. Last week, was exhausting.

Over the weekend we cleaned house and so today while I am going to work on laundry I am also going to read, rest and ponder my job situation. I am going to rework my resume and get it out there, just to see what is available. I am in a weird place at work. I enjoy my job, I really do. I also hate my job. I hate coming home stressed out ever night. I hate that my co-workers (some of them) are so unhappy in their lives that it bleeds over into our work day. I don’t know, our “team” is a little very un-team like these days. I used to look forward to walking into the bank, I loved the feel or it. These days, I dread walking in the door, and I am glad when the end of the day gets here.

Summer is right around the corner. The kids are getting “summer fever”. The last few years, we have kept them busy with Summer camps and various other programs. This year, they have asked us not to make them go. Katheryn has about 4 weeks of band camp this summer. She has three weeks of high school band camp, and then a week of middle school band camp. Last summer she went to Bravo camp at Berry College, but this year she is choosing to not go… she figures that she will be tired of band camp by the end of this and that she will want to rest. I can’t say that I blame her. Meg is going to her first “sleepover” camp this summer, she is so excited. Jordan just doesn’t want to got to camp at all this year. Last year he went to baseball camp at Baylor, and he cried the whole week. Jamie would go and check on him, and it just broke his heart. I made the decision to not go pick him up, I just felt like it wouldn’t do him any good for it to end that way. I still believe it was the right choice. Jordan, of all my children was the most traumatized over what happened with Jeff. He had to call 911, and somehow this has made him feel like he has to be here in case Jeff comes back so that he can save me. He is a very nervous little guy that feels like he has to be with his Mom in order to keep me safe. Eric has tried to explain to him now that we are married, keeping me safe is Eric’s job. I hope that over time, Jordan will “grow out of this”.

Anyway, the last month has been spent running around trying to get everything done. Today, for me…I am all about resting… being lazy… and just trying to get a handle on my exhaustion. Wish me luck!!