I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately. Thinking over my life, and pondering where I have been. I ran into a friend this weekend, a friend that while once we were close I have not seen him since right after high school graduation. This friend was the boyfriend of a very close friend of mine, way back when.
So many things that I had forgotten came to the forefront talking with Robbie yesterday. I had forgotten that Robbie and Steve went with us on our senior trip. I had forgotten the bond that was formed on that trip. I had forgotten the friendship that Steve and I once shared. It is sad that when a marriage ends, the friendship that was once the foundation of that union also goes with it. I have wondered over the years, so many times what went wrong between he and I. I have speculated, and drawn so many “wrong” conclusions…. but the reality is I will never know. I do know now that what I thought was love and everlasting… just wasn’t. I used to think that failure came from within myself…. but now I know that it “just wasn’t”. I now have that bond…. that “special” bond with my husband. This has helped me to grow up and understand what marriage is about. It has helped me understand that I married that first times for all the wrong reasons. I had fairytale visions in my heart and soul. I wanted the dream. I didn’t understand at that moment in time what love and life was all about. Time has taught me that you can have the dream and the fairytale, but with that you have to put forth the effort. You have to be committed everyday to working so hard to make your marriage live up to its potential.
I have a friend who is dying. A young mother, a young woman with so much left undone. I have been thinking of my life, of the things I have yet to do, of things that I have left undone. The one thing that I have “out there”, the one thing that I would go back and “fix”, is apologizing to this great man that I married so long ago. Apologize to him for expecting so much and giving so little. Apologize for my part in starting something that we both knew wasn’t right. Apologize for loving him, but not in a way that would make a marriage flourish. I understand now, after so many years that he was my friend, he was as close as a brother. He was family. He and I were so young. Through that marriage, I did the one thing I never wanted to do…. I lost the brother that I had grown to depend on. Where once there was a family bond, there is now hate. I do not have any ill will toward him, but he hates me and all that is close to me.
Do not get me wrong, I would not go back and try to save that marriage. Knowing what I know now, I would go back and save the friendship. I would cherish the bond that we had, and save the lost brother. Through loving Eric, I have learned what it means to be a wife. I have learned how to sacrifice for the one you love. I have learned how to live my life in a manner that pleases my husband. Eric is my soulmate, my best friend and my husband. I value all aspects of this bond.
I guess the point of this rambling is to say that we never know in our lives when it will end. I have this urge, this compulsion to make the things right in this world that I have left unfinished. That brings me back around full circle to the only other regret I have in my life. We miss Zack. We wish that he would find his way back home, if only for a visit. His 19th birthday was last week. We celebrated, even if he wasn’t here.
Posted by Julie Beavers 
Posted by Julie Beavers 